- Psychological - suppression of personality.
- Sexual. For example, coercion to intimacy against the will of a woman.
- Economic - money manipulation.
- And the last stage is physical violence.
Woman often cannot admit to herself that she was a victim of domestic violence. Therefore, even at the reception of a psychologist, the doctor has to explain and convince the patient of the reality of what is happening.
Portrait of a home despot - how to tear off a mask from him?
A despot cannot and does not want to let go of his victim. Such a relationship is vital to him.because he feels comfortable in this position. He realizes himself in this way. For example, a man is unsuccessful at work, does not enjoy authority among others, and he makes up for this deficit at the expense of his wife.
Orhusband cannot give up complete control over spouse. Jealousy torments him. And if he “releases the reins,” he will feel restrained.
Anyway tyrant has low self-esteem, which makes up for due to the immediate environment. Moreover, he can be a terribly pleasant person for strangers and unfamiliar people. Relatives can love him, and do not understand who is hiding under this mask.
Complicating the situation is the fact that the man doesn't always show his worst side. He is equally good and bad. The husband takes care, affection in relation to his wife, it is pleasant to talk with him on certain topics.
This duality prevents the victim from realizing what position he is in. This feature is also typical for families of alcoholics, players and people suffering from other addictions.
Signs of psychological violence against a woman in the family - how to recognize violence and not become a victim?
- Direct verbal aggression. Offensive remarks about his wife. Her humiliation in public and in private.
- Contempt. Explicit disrespect with the expression of their point of view at any opportunity. The spouse does not respect the creative activity, the work of the wife, and everything that she does.
- Taunts, Taunts and Insults
- Using an arrogant command tone
- Constant and inexhaustible criticism
- Intimidation. Including threats to abduct children and prevent them from seeing
- Strong and unreasonable jealousy
- Ignoring the feelings of the spouse
- A man does not take into account the opinion of his wife
- The husband endangers the spouse. Forces her to be in conditions that pose a risk to her health and life.
- Bans offenses
- Does not allow the use of a telephone
- Blames own failures
- The tyrant is in full control of the life of his victim or strives for this. Only he can make decisions in the lives of both of them. So a husband can force his wife to provide for the whole family alone or, vice versa, not allow her to work. Also, a despot can impose a ban on leaving the house without his consent, and an adult woman should literally ask permission for all her actions.
It is very difficult to cure or escape domestic violence. Firstly, because two parties are to blame for this - both the tyrant and the victim. After all, it allows you to do this with you.
Strongly exacerbate the problem of "helpers" or "saviors"who want to help a woman escape from slavery. But their actions do not give results. Because the wife must find the strength in herself and repulse the tyrant - only in this case can he let her go. And the savior deprives her of this opportunity. A woman is becoming more infantile and soft. After they seemingly save her, she herself returns to her tormentor, because she did not have a sense of confrontation, and humility in her heart has already been brought up.
The mechanism of domestic violence
- First comes a psychological attack. By constant criticism, sooner or later, self-esteem drops to the limit. Belief in oneself is undermined.
- Then a guilty feeling is laid. After the victim began to doubt her abilities and the correctness of her actions, the tyrant makes her feel like a worthless woman and an immensely guilty woman in front of him. After all, he teaches her, tormented with her.
- The substitution of ideals and the destruction of personality. Despot lays a new model of life. He talks about what is good and what is bad. And the victim, discouraged by criticism and attacks, agrees, because he no longer knows where the truth is. At the same time, the man is trying to tear her out of the circle of people who are able to sober up her mind. This ensures its complete invincibility and the preservation of control over the victim. A woman ceases to communicate with relatives or restricts communication with them and abandons her friends. The tyrant makes new friends for her. Only with them is she allowed to communicate.
And everything seems to be correctly and logically justified. But some spiritual discomfort inside does not give rest to a woman. She feels in her gut that all this is not hers. All this is not real, plastic - and she can’t recover on her own. Due to this contrast between self-awareness and reality, psychological diseases often arise, which often leads to suicide.
Is it worth sacrificing your personality and life even for a beloved person? Unlikely! Domestic violence comes to family life imperceptibly, but remains for a long time. It destroys the relationship of spouses and traumatizes the psyche of children. And yet - almost all cases of moral violence end with beatings.
Know the basic symptoms of incipient psychological abuse so that you do not become a victim. And if you have already become her, then do not be shy and do not be afraid seek help from specialists.
What would you advise to a woman who is subjected to psychological violence in the family? Share with us your opinion on this issue!Share with your friends and rate the article:
| (7 ratings, average: 4,29 out of 5) |
Published on March 23, 2014 in the category: Psychology,
Literally all the characteristics of my sister’s husband are described: he didn’t even allow to see his relatives, he checked the phone, demanded checks from stores, and even beat. I don’t know if they had children, how it would end, but my sister once, after he broke her nose, packed up and left.
Yes, I also saw here almost a portrait of my ex-husband ... It all started with insults motivated by unreasonable jealousy, beat, then said that I was no one and it was all when I was pregnant. I don’t know why I didn’t immediately leave him, I probably thought that after the birth of my daughter she would change. In vain! When my daughter was a month I left him, or rather escaped. However, his daughter is now a year and a half, and he still does not let go, he comes to visit his daughter and threatens that he will take her when I wean her from the chest. So I don’t know whether to believe or not. So already I want to live a normal life, without fear ...
the description fits my wife, who criticizes me, does not allow my relatives to be invited to the house, tries to control me. So if the words husband and wife are interchanged in this article, this will also be true for some families
My husband is a quiet tyrant. As he looks, frost is on my skin.
Now the relationship has grown into ignore on his part. And I, as a fool, think why so, what I did wrong again ... The last straw of patience was his registration on a dating site and transfer of guilt to me. Great combinators! We must give them their due, they can do it turn and inspire guilt without herself. I did not understand what was happening before. But now the puzzles have developed into a terrible picture ... At first there was a shock, and now there is an emptiness for such a person.
She decided to leave with three children. To run without looking back, there is no other way.
Everything in the article is described about my life. I went through a lot of trainings in order to understand what is wrong with me. Now she has found the strength to leave her husband. She does not give up her daughter. Trying to control me through her and get me back. As a result, after 15 years of life, I am without housing, income and family.
Dear ladies, what to do if there is no money for separate housing? Is there any way out? And in my situation, the home tyrant is my father. Mom played the role of a victim with pleasure all her life, and when she was gone, he decided that now it would be me, especially since at that time my child was 8 months old, my situation was extremely vulnerable. Now 5 years have passed, and everything is in the same position. I resist as I can. Father directly holds us captive, in every possible way prevents the exchange of apartments. Does anyone know a lawyer to deal with such issues?
Women are dear! What happened? - The one who was once an integral part of the family - a man, became its destroyer, from a defender turned into an oppressor. In nature, often the female chooses the one who will become the father for her cubs. Today, and you choose from whom to give birth. And why do you choose an oppressor, that’s the question for society’s researchers! Some of you still do not understand that your children, already unhappy, will not be able to become happy in the future, because they remember, and then unknowingly find the one with whom they will reproduce their usual form of relationship. A mother brings up a child, and therefore your duty to behave yourself worthy of a person, not to tolerate insults, to seek a way out, and he is the only one in liberation from the oppressor. The problem, which was formerly mental, became more complicated, and its solution, you understand, is no longer only in the field of psychology, but in the field of law, economics (and maybe politics). Helping those who see a way out, but don’t have the means for it, first of all, to unite with the same suffering. Find each other, come together to discuss your problems, at least with the help of read articles. Together you will find and be able to pay at least general legal advice. Together you will be able to search for what to do, how to find income, housing. As a public organization, you can, perhaps, establish some kind of cooperative enterprise for earning, collect charitable contributions to help yourself ... well, it cannot be so as not to find a way to free yourself! But only united! And psychologists need to demand the introduction of a psychology course in education, starting with kindergarten, then in each class, gradually complicating and constantly linking each child with individual problems. Thanks for reading.
I have psychopath flies. Unreasonable aggression constantly, insults against me, such (selective mat), all annoying him. Children are adults. I’m 50 years old, he is 53. We live in constant tension. Last year he had a heart attack, I I was very worried, because there are still not many years, but already heart problems. And now I'm sorry. But at the time of his psychopathy, I just hate it. I think all the time, how can you be so ungrateful to your loved ones? I’d leave him but firstly not where, and secondly, we have two dogs, two dachshunds. I can’t leave my beloved with ak.Ya work in a hospital, the work is not very tyazholaya.Zhile kupish.No if it would be a corner-took the dogs have gone without it sozhaleniya.Dostal me.
I read and marvel. How about me. It is psychological violence that you cannot prove that he is not a sweetheart at home but a real tyrant!
My daughter and I became victims of such a moral freak. We were his slaves for 8 years. And the worst thing is that the mothers of these bastards support their sons in this. The daughter-in-law is always to blame for everything. It means that she deserved it, and so on. children. I believe that such bastards have no place on earth.
I was in the third month of pregnancy and ran away from my civil husband (thank God they didn’t have time to get married. He knew that I was pregnant, raised his hand to me, threw it off, grabbed my hair from the windowsill, broke his lip, strangled and still looked in the mirror. And still believes that he’s right. And the quarrel arose because of his friends whom he began to drive home to drink. I asked her to drive them, because they cannot sit until late and disperse, they sit until late at night and despite the fact that I I try to sleep in the next room neighing like horses. When I didn’t respect him, then he began to humiliate him people (often with friends). It is very much spoiled the nerves. And his mother it normally reacts as if it's okay. I was horrified.
Svetulik at 3 months: I also survived the beating while pregnant. his mother (husband) then demanded that I apologize to her. standing in an apartment in which on the walls was my blood. now this bastard is running around the courts and on my statements about domestic violence .... sitting out with his lips out and snorting, they say, bring witnesses. Prove that I beat. this is provided that in my hands I have paper honey and from the police about the beatings and injuries.
I recognize my wife. Why can only a man in a family be a tyrant and despot?
Sergey, anyone can be a tyrant and despot: a mother, father, husband, wife and even children raised incorrectly. It’s just such a topic. And male despotism is more common. Especially physical. And psychological, unfortunately, is really difficult to prove. And he is everywhere. We do not have a science that teaches man to be a man, to recognize good and evil. The same psychology is occupied by a completely different one. They learn to manipulate people, to cunning, to deceive, “flexible thinking”, so that there are no principles and stable opinions. They suggest that people are animals, and this is the norm, so you can forgive yourself any shortcomings and crimes. The main thing is that the goal be justified and be listed in society as "a successful person." And what do you take from the animals. ? A very convenient position for many. I read a bunch of psychologists, I don’t see real psychology. Who is interested, tell the authors who can be read.
And I also have a tyrant, a psycho and a vampire with behavioral cycles. Roaring roar and (previously) everything is swinging. He beat him, but not often, because I am afraid of physical violence to the point of horror and I beg that I calm down, as if to admit, but I don’t know what. And if she waved it away, she said, get away from me — I’ve received it a thousand times. And the main thing is also impossible to be silent: why there is no reaction? Anger. I'm starting to make excuses. And so I have been looking for a way out all my life, all my life. And it was not only because of the housing that was not there, even my mother, when she was alive, she was already aged and helpless, the house stood on the brother’s site, where my brother offended her. And I (BASIC REASON) with two young children had nowhere to go. I ran away and sat in a nearby forest right from under the “hot hand”. And when my mother died, I realized that now I am completely collapsed, she said that she found an advertisement in the newspaper, which requires specialists who are given housing in farms (villages) in all the country’s expanses, and if I don’t use alcohol, I’ll leave. Encoded. I thought that he was such a drunk. As they say, at least in language. licked, but do not give free rein to the hands. Yes, everything is useless., As he was, he remained so. But the hope that the children will grow up, and then I am free, was VERY. I understood that this is really a tunnel, and there is a way out at the other end. I decided to leave the apartment when my son was in college, and my daughter was in school. I left with my daughter. I was afraid of his reaction terribly. But still decided. He followed, immediately persuaded his daughter to return home with pressure. Chased at every step, stands every night under the door, looking into the keyhole. And I'm afraid of him that will break. In the evening, she cries, then threatens under the door, during the day brings all my clothes, boots, button accordions and guitars to work, reports that if I do not go to unload with him, he will throw them out into the street. Unload and carry in the office. The staff are amazed. In the evening, again under the door, what would type return. Tomorrow sends children to work with the words: go persuade, do not come without mom. And when they came without a mother, he screamed at his son because of this (the daughter told).Through the police (most importantly DO NOT HESITATE THINGS) I had to split half of the house in kind with a separate entrance, as according to the documents, everything is separate. I had to return, I had to teach my son in another city, I need money, and pay for the apartment. Not enough. Everything is back to square one. BUT ANY BREAKTHROUGH! I have the opportunity, if I have time to go home and close. Roaring through the wall. I knew that in one locality there would be no life. But I made the installation myself (THE MOST IMPORTANT INSTALLATION): save at least a gram. In no money. I asked for additional work part-time. Gave him not everything. When I had to quit my job, there was already a bit. With his next attack, I began to intensively read real estate ads, at least about a room in another city. I read a month every day. Well: God gave or a miracle for the efforts of the search, I found cheaply in poor condition a part of the house that is quite a few meters, isolated into an apartment. When reissued, I could not believe it myself, for a long time I could not believe it. Son to study in higher education, and daughter, on average, a year and a half left. He teaches, but then I feel that if I'm around, and if I don’t, then there will be blackmail because of this study. He already knew that I had a place to go, so he asked for help with repairs, such as for children. How much hassle is about this: it does it, it’s wrinkled, it stretches, and it hacks, and draws a picture in your head that everything’s coming to that, and that’s even worse. And I say: no - this is for children. And God forbid, you cannot say another! But it doesn’t hit: I still beg. I registered with children in another city. I stood in line. I get the site. While I live with him, I need to finish the children. But he becomes unbearable, brings to tears because of trifles, and prohibits crying, twists his head in his old keys that he will not always be like that, he thinks that there’s nothing left to lose, I’ll tear myself away, then suddenly he will catch up, and suddenly she will leave . Now it comes off often, but I'm waiting. I work on a low-paying job now, keep disgust and save up. He is angry that she took the site, said that he didn’t go there, and I myself won’t build it. And I say what I need, I have two children and I will build it myself with the help of a type for children. And I get very angry when I read everything on the Internet: about construction, and about everything. Although I conceive without the Internet. I bought a generator, a small concrete mixer. I’m thinking of ordering concrete or saving. I’ll make a decision there by the summer. And he also says that I’ll knock out a Capricorn from you, I don’t give a damn about your Capricorn, that is, my badass sign. Type characteristic Capricorn is hardworking and stubborn he is very hurt, he envies. And then I cry after another attack, then I sit for half a day and think about it, well, I have to wait, it will be painless for everyone, including children: they will go to their earnings. And here is the conclusion: the main thing for you women is to secretly collect at least crumbs: they will always come in handy at any time, start collecting.
Tatyana, tell me how did you decide ?! I lie and cry. From the outside, everything is fine, the house and all the blessings, three children.
Quarrel for any reason: not a tasty dinner, meeting with friends, etc. Sometimes I smoke, several times a year. After very terrible quarrels. This is my outlet. Today he beat me for this. He beat him badly ...
And I recognize in the description of myself. People express admiration for her luck, envy and so on. I have told my wife many times that over the years I will only get worse. But she still won’t understand everything, she says she loves me, and I supposedly don’t know how good I am at heart. Now I already see how in 30 years she will regret that she spent the only life on me.
So tyrants can also wish their victim freedom and happiness.
Probably just more often men are tyrants, but women too. I realized that my husband was like that, I was hoping that everything would work out, and now I am horrified to realize that no. And women are full of tyrants, and there are many good and kind men.
Tip: Either leave or play the victim’s theater and study psychology on a psychopath. Take it as unhealthy and play. in time you will get a taste. The main thing is not to nail it :) But in reality, do it your own way: prepare alternate airfields. Tired of leaving in English.
Good afternoon! It would be nice to write an article on psychological abuse of men!
I myself was in a state of psychological abuse. Everything that was described was about me. I left my husband twice. The first time he promised that he would change, said that he needed help. It seemed that I could change something and finally dictate my conditions, but no matter how. The husband forbade my relatives to come to me. And this despite the fact that I had three children, he did not help me. And sometimes I just wanted to relax and go somewhere, scatter. Once, when I went to my relatives and did not return at his first request, he swallowed sleeping pills, while notifying his brother. Of course, everyone rushed to save him.
The second time I left completely. It was painful. For two months we tried to change something, but I realized that it would be painfully painful for me to return there, to the cage. Nobody pressed me; I myself made the final decision. And now I am happy. Of course, when the ex-husband comes to see the children, I still feel this psychological pressure. Sometimes I can fight back when I realize that he is no one to me and I don’t need to obey him and be afraid of him.
One to one. My wife.
Starts scandals every day. It used to be rare when they met. I decided to get married, I played a wedding.
Then more and more scandalous beginnings. The child gave birth to me, he also believed that he would calm down. Now we have two children, we live 2 years in marriage.
The conflicts are terrible ... From scratch.
Now don’t play the phone, it’s a success from the sites, then do not answer the phone for work. Now it’s talking to my relatives ... What’s there. Math yells. I don’t know where I take the strength to endure it. I think that for the sake of children, I love them very much. But colleagues say it is not necessary to break the fate of the children themselves now, they must leave, they say.
She's on my maternity leave now. I am the only breadwinner. And she tells me about her hatred and divorce every day. He calls his mother, complains about me, saying that I offend her. It provokes me into a fight with my behavior, apparently I’m going to get a divorce. So that I could not restrain myself and send me to jail.
It was the case physically answered her when she threw herself at me. Hold on now. She pounds me and I put up with it.
It seems to be possible to get a divorce, TPK she threatened to take the children home to Siberia.
I have a good position at work, there is a tower, I was a member of the national team. She's just a waiter with a veterinarian education. And constantly I say that I am a village, a loser ... This is the best that I hear from her.
That supposedly with children I am not engaged. Although I adore my children very much, I come from work and take a walk on a roller coaster near the house, there are horizontal bars there, I don’t miss.
Then she threatened to run away with my money to Rozin, and took him to the bank ...
My photos that I printed for my own money are tearing. Beats the dishes. Hides the keys to the car. It happens that he doesn’t let him go to work, hides the keys not to beat her ...
In short, you need to decide and go to social security for a consultation. But ashamed ... Okay, the woman complains .. and here the man ..
Sorry for the spelling, printed in the kitchen on the quiet.
My brother humiliates me. You're nobody telling me. It requires itself to be treated as a person. Twice as big as me. Today beat me. For the fact that I told him that since I was nobody to him, then he was nobody to me, and if he wasn’t happy, then that would change my attitude. He hit him in the face with a fist, rings in my head, and makes me sick. Threaten to break legs. I’m nobody to regret for him. Well, I go to the doctor, and then to the police, I’m all scared for my life and can’t die, I bring up my daughter. How scary.
I have two children. The situation is the same. The other day I almost beat me. He lagged behind when I offered to leave. But does not let go. Light in the nose of the Bible, that a wife for a husband ... I tell him that it does not say that the wife of a slave!
How do you live now?
In fact, such people are very vindictive.
They immediately cut through when the victim wants to leave and with dignity, they will track down and bring down their stream of dirt, so that they will be remembered forever
I read everything exactly about me. My husband, with whom we have been married for 40 years, has become the person I am afraid of with age. Everyone considers us an ideal couple, but only I know what is hidden behind this safe facade. It all started when we were not married yet. He hit me when he got home late. Then he hit already in front of the 5-year-old daughter, then more and more. Now the daughter has grown, lives in another city. But the farther the worse. Now he does not hit, but only constantly criticizes and insults. I’m doing everything wrong: I don’t go like that, not like my dishes, I don’t close the door like that. Every day I hear that I'm a bitch, trash. The worst thing is that only I work in the family, and I have a decent salary. It’s bitter and insulting to hear and endure all this as “gratitude” for the comfortable and comfortable life I provided him. It seems to have lived together for so many years, it’s a shame to get divorced at that age, but I don’t imagine how to live on. How often do we forgive our loved ones, try not to hurt them, but ultimately suffer from it ourselves!
Good evening. I do not want to say that I am the most wonderful husband, I do not give my wife what she deserves (by her standards), and it doesn’t work out for her either, but that's not about that now.
Now I’ve read everything about tyranny and domestic violence, and I understand that my wife now considers me to be the person described above, and she sent this article to me.
I would like to ask a question to the author of the article!
If the spouse is living with the husband who does not meet the needs of his spouse in full, if the spouse does nothing to help achieve family welfare to the required level, if the spouse does not hesitate to call her spouse the last words, thereby vehemently provoking him to be rebuffed compares me with an abnormal tyrant who 99% will kill her next time.
We have a little son, and we both love him very much, I love my wife, but she is trying to convince me that this is a habit, what feelings she now has for me, I don’t know, we are both very emotional in the argument, we can tell each other nasty things, then we put up.
This is not the first time I raise a hand on my wife, and all for the same reason, she cannot stop and I cannot stop her otherwise. When a child burns on an iron, he bypasses him, so why am I a tyrant?
If you manage to convince me that I am just such a person, then at least I will know how I can live on with all this.
Yes. I would like to hear the second half of these conflicts. I think there would tell clearly not love affairs.
Ha ha. Live with such a tyrant .kryndets.
I cut a hand in a mug and a bunch of everything else. I don’t have anywhere to rent a room. I don’t get it out. The state gives a certificate for buying a house. The amount is min. Now I decide how to buy what he did not know. Where am I leaving. He plans with me. And I want to run away with the children simply. Even without collecting things. Then the roller coasters will pick up. But to buy the problem is finite. To find and ride alone while pregnant is hard these arrangements have lived with the mountains to exchange everything. All purchases of housing. They will pay my sq That everything would be clean. Otherwise, if I don’t eat, he will cripple his favorite expression again. and children.
My husband is a tyrant, please help me, where will I go for help?
Psychological abuse what is it
Mental violence - a form of moral or emotional impact on the subject, causing a feeling of anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. It occurs with an imbalance of power, for example, with violent relationships in the family, bullying at work, a school bench, kindergarten.
Various factors are subject to depreciation: contributions to the family (“you don’t work,” “you don’t do anything all day”, “borscht tasteless”), a person’s personality (“you are stupid”), external data (“you got better”) . A partner or a child is constantly criticized, indicating shortcomings and errors. The victim develops feelings of guilt and shame, an inferiority complex appears. It will not be easy to recover from such a relationship; faith in partnership and oneself disappears.
The partner or pupil is subject to strict monitoring of actions, circle of contacts, image. The psychological rapist constantly imposes his own opinion, controls material resources, telephone communication, social networks, contacts, hobbies. Disobeying the will of the aggressor is punishable, prohibitions are tightened, the will is suppressed by new restrictions, accompanied by blackmail or scandals.
The form of violence “gaslighting” - this is considered in psychology as the desire of the manipulator to change the perception of reality, denying the facts of negative behavior in the past. Often denied events, feelings, emotions. For such a situation, the phrases are characteristic: "Do not invent" or "This was not." Conflicting statements develop a sense of inferiority, increasing vulnerability. A person accused of strange fantasies, as if descending crazy.
Emotional estrangement is very difficult to bear for children, attachment to parents forms a basic trust in the world as a whole. The lack of interest in the feelings, emotions, and affairs of children on the part of loved ones is accompanied by a sense of indifference on the part of those around them. Ignoring often leads to suicide attempts and other radical ways of attracting attention. Adults also endure the constant disregard for needs and feelings, developing a sense of guilt and hopelessness.
Isolation, as a form of emotional violence, implies restricting a partner from relatives and friends, all but the manipulator. So there is a closure of communications on the manipulator of a partner or child. Deprived of support, the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the rapist. The exclusion of friends and colleagues threatens the loss of even a theoretical opportunity to ask for help.
Blackmail and bullying
Moral violence by blackmail is a common way to sacrifice the will, one's own opinion, to subordinate one's personal desires and lifestyle through incriminating evidence. More often, tactics of an intimate nature are used: “you won’t obey, everyone will know that you are urinating in bed”, “you won’t do what I ask, I will show everyone your nude photos”. Shame and awkwardness make the victim neglect their own plans for the sake of the preferences of the rapist.
According to the Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS), the psychology of violence has 20 characteristic manifestations, united in three general groups:
- verbal aggression, including statements to offend a person or cause irritation,
- dominant behavior, prohibitions on communication with the immediate environment,
- zealous attitude (accusation of adultery).
Manifestations of moral violence can mean:
- undermining the self-esteem and self-esteem of the partner (constant criticism, understating the characteristics of people),
- threats of physical violence,
- killing pets
- destruction of personal belongings.
Moral violence is intentional or unconscious, but the partner's violent behavior is systematic, not isolated cases. The most serious form of violence is psychological torture, prohibited by the 1984 UN Convention against Torture.
Psychological pressure is the oldest form of torture
Signs of Psychological Domestic Violence
The following symptoms report psychological abuse in the family:
- Labeling ("stupid", "loser").
- Humiliating nicknames like "My hog," "Donut."
- Corruption of reputation. "You are always late, confuse, break, lose."
- Screaming, scattering objects, physical punishment.
- Patronage "Oh dear, I know you're trying, but it's just not your level."
- Public ridicule.
- Underreporting. Offenders do not attach importance to information important to the interlocutor, roll their eyes, smile, shake their heads, sigh, and repeatedly repeat one conviction.
- One-sided resolution of issues.
- Orders: “Stop sitting at the computer”, “Go to the store”, “You will study where I say.”
- Unpredictability. The manipulator suddenly shows rage or violent love, becomes sad and capricious in detail.
- Dehumanization. The interlocutor looks away during a conversation or looks at a foreign object.
- Attempts to set others up against a partner.
- Sozavisimost. The desire to pretend to make yourself helpless.
Pressure on pain points, instructive lectures of accusation, reproaches, sarcasm, insulting appearance, interests are also signs of achieving power.
Causes of emotional abuse of a woman in the family
The causes of the emergence of domestic violence are external and internal factors. External influences are caused by events that are not dependent on a particular person:
- wave of alcoholism, drug addiction,
- cult of cruelty
- cultural crisis
- stereotypes (“Beats, then loves!”),
- religious beliefs, a condition in sects where married women are necessarily subjected to domestic violence,
- the influence of media publishing scenes of violence against people, terrorist acts, sadism, vandalism,
- geographical location, state of the economy, political environment in the country.
To determine the internal factors, psychologists resort to comparing specific life experiences, mental health, the level of self-awareness, education and culture, the presence of bad habits. Violent factors are more often the result of adult behavior patterns, stresses received in childhood, lack of love, genetically inherent tyranny character.
Woman experiencing domestic violence
Insecure men exclude possible rivals by tyrannical habits, vent out anger, resentment or do not understand the needs of the partner in a caring attitude. A low culture of behavior is inherent in alcoholics or drug addicts, individuals suffering from mental disorders. There is also a low level of education and culture, economic factors (reduction at work, housing issues), dissatisfaction with family life.
The mechanism of development of psychological violence in the family
In order to avoid various forms of violence, it will be useful for many to know the stages of its development:
- The height of tension under the influence of criticism of the spouse (“Where did you dress up?”, “You’ll chat with Anka, you will become as stupid as she is”). The phase lasts a long time, as women calmly react and try to defuse the situation, mistakenly hoping to reduce the outbreak of violence.
- Violence. Continues for a short period of 2-24 hours. The voltage found in the previous stage is found to be output; intense discharge occurs. Attacks of anger are in full swing. Violence occurs sporadically or continuously.
- Reconciliation. After violence, the offender becomes affectionate and attentive, tearfully asks for forgiveness, desperately swears eternal love. Partners believe in a sharp healing, quickly forgetting past grievances.
Further relations take place in a vicious circle: nitpicking, prohibitions, violence and again impeccable behavior, sweets, bouquets, empty promises.
Important! Over time, the honeymoon phase disappears, violence and relative ceasefire remain.
Avoiding Domestic Violence
Initially, the tyrant needs to indicate specific aspects of improper behavior. The rapist may not be aware of his own mistakes. If the conversation does not help, you should leave. The first time to withstand a short pause. The significance of the offender in the life of the victim will decrease sharply. The tyrant will try to change. If the return of violence is exacerbated, it is worth thinking about breaking up. A cruel attitude will be permanent.
Victim of Domestic Violence
Protection against psychological abuse
People deprived of a strong personal framework are more easily susceptible to moral pressure. It will be easier to resist the emotional impact if you increase the educational level, establish personal boundaries, identify rights and obligations in certain areas of life. Further actions are determined individually according to the situation, depending on the type of psychological impact applied by the aggressor.
Faced with amateurs to give orders, the correct solution would be to find the answer to 2 questions: “Is the victim obliged to obey the commands?” And “What will be the consequences of disobedience”. If the answer is no, the self-proclaimed commander should correctly indicate his place. The best defense against verbal aggression will be the unjustified expectations of the aggressor, an unpredictable reaction: in the form of a joke, pity, indifference.
The consequences of psychological abuse
Various forms of manifestation of violence leave traces that are reflected in the future life of people. Victims suffer:
- Constant feeling of guilt, shame.
- Nervous tick.
- Dual behavior.
- Frequent depression, depression.
- Sleep disturbance.
- Fear of loneliness or social rejection.
- Challenges in sex life.
- Psychological disorders.
- Outbreaks of aggression.
- A sharp change in mood.
- Low self-esteem, a manifestation of hatred for the body.
The child experiences the negative effects of violence
If a person is subjected to moral pressure, you should trust your own instincts and start a new full life. Fearing physical reprisal, the right decision would be to call 102. If there is no immediate physical danger, but the individual needs psychological support, a round-the-clock hotline for victims of domestic violence will help by calling 0800-500-335 or from mobile 116123.
Just a fight?
In the context of the family, psychologists distinguish two main groups of violent behavior: physical and psychological violence. The latter may seem relatively harmless, but this impression is misleading. Many of our compatriots lack a clear understanding of what this phenomenon is and how it differs from quarrels that happen in any family. Cases of psychological pressure in the family are not widely covered in the media, since you cannot make a sensation out of them. There are no complaints to the police complaining of psychological pressure: beatings can be removed from the body, but not from the soul. But it is with him that the bitter family stories begin, which could have been written in a completely different way.
Types of violent behavior are a structure like a nesting doll: one concept enters into another, broader one. The most voluminous, including other types, is precisely the concept of psychological violence. Everything begins with him, and the subsequent actions of the tyrant become only his manifestations, special cases. In many apparently prosperous families in which it is inconceivable to raise a hand against a woman or a child, psychological pressure becomes the norm, the only way for older and younger people to communicate with him and her.
What is psychological pressure? The protagonists are a pair of "victim - tyrant." The behavior of a tyrant is characterized by the following actions:
- suppression of the victim’s self-esteem, self-esteem, self-worth,
- suppression of the ability to make decisions and take responsibility,
- humiliation, insults, excessive requirements that are obviously impossible to fulfill, followed by excessive criticism of the victim,
- a ban on actions and feelings, in their opinion,
- isolation, prohibition of communication with relatives, friends, colleagues,
- pathological jealousy
- the outbursts of anger that the tyrant takes out on the victim,
- blackmail and intimidation,
- blaming the victim for his failures
- infringement of the basic human needs, including psychological needs - in safety, in attachment, in free expression of oneself.
There are many reasons for this behavior: a wife’s look too domestic (“bloomed!”) Or too festive (“for whom are you so dressed up?”), A crying or playing loud child (“which mother is you?”), A working woman ( “The wife should sit at home!”) Or unemployed (“sitting on my neck!”).
Unlike an ordinary quarrel or temporary hostility, such nit-picking can go on indefinitely. If in a conflict caused by an objective reason, the parties nevertheless strive for its resolution and completion, then the tyrant does not want to end either the conflict or the relationship, because for him it is a kind of dependence - without a victim he will not be able to compensate for his old injuries. The victim, due to his mental characteristics, is often inclined not to change the situation, but to adapt to it. The more the victim suffers, the greater the pressure from the perpetrator, because he needs an emotional response.
The tyrant’s actions pretty soon leave their marks on the human psyche. Gradually, the victim loses confidence in himself and the world, his perception of himself becomes more and more blurred, compliance and obsequiousness, the desire to fix everything in relations with the tyrant are interspersed with aggression. Depending on the strength and duration of stress, the victim may have psychosomatic illnesses, suicidal tendencies, and dependence (drugs, alcohol, bulimia, anorexia). The victim does not rely on her feelings, does not trust them and therefore is unable to understand what she feels in a situation of violence. Hence a large number of victims who do not take any steps towards a real change in the situation, although they agree that something needs to be done.
Double edged sword
Nothing happens all of a sudden. And the transformation of a young man into a home tyrant also does not occur instantly. It is only possible to develop, aggravate the tendencies already existing in a person. Therefore, in the history of the victim there is always a moment when she misses some important, disturbing call, does not want to notice him. Since the victims of psychological pressure are more often women who have already encountered similar things in the parental family, it is natural for them not to trust their feelings, their intuition, and therefore not to notice the “messages” of a potential tyrant.
Whatever the beginning of the history of the victim-tyrant relationship, there are common features of victim behavior and a personality prone to such relationships. They not only increase a woman’s chances of becoming a victim, but also significantly complicate the way out of a painful relationship. The prerequisites of victim relations include:
- Experience the position of the victim in the parental family or previous relationships.
- The meeting with the tyrant occurred at a difficult moment for the victim (family conflicts, separation from the previous partner, natural disaster), and the tyrant is now associated with a way out of the crisis. Dependent relationships are formed in which the victim subconsciously perceives the tyrant as a necessary attribute of his well-being.
- The rescue complex of the victim: "I will save him from ... (alcoholism, drug addiction, delusions, myself, etc.)."
- The martyr's complex, in which the victim derives secondary benefit from cohabitation with the tyrant, by his suffering attracting the attention and sympathy of others.
Nevertheless, in a situation of psychological pressure there is no strong or weak point: we can say that we are dealing with two weaknesses. Only weakness each of them shows differently. For the active side, the side of the tyrant, it consists in the fact that he broadcasts his experience gained in the parental family. Significant people treated him like that, and now he treats his loved ones like that. Reclaiming the victim in a situation where he can exercise power and strength, the tyrant compensates for his painful experiences of helplessness and humiliation. He is not able to live this experience in a different way.
The victim’s weakness is that she is being manipulated by a tyrant, looking for excuses and seeing the causes of violence in herself. No matter how the victim deceives himself or persuades that “this is a difficult period for the family” or “everything will work out,” she still feels that what is happening is unacceptable. But stopping this is extremely difficult for her. She knows how to live that way, adapts herself precisely to this pain inflicted by the tyrant, and she does not imagine how to live differently. Quite often there are situations when women who have experienced this kind of tyranny in their parental family or in their first marriage cannot be happy even with a positive in every way and loving man. In their experience, this state is absent - safety and happiness.
The victim clings to some kind of “hope”, behind which the fear of real change is actually hidden. To endure endless humiliations or to risk and interrupt them is the victim's choice, her responsibility. There are also cases when a woman has nowhere to go and nothing to live for, and then she has to choose between physical security (a roof over her head and food) and psychological comfort. In this situation, the victim is not able to independently change this state of affairs. Most likely, she will need long-term help from a psychologist and loved ones, because until she changes herself, the situation in her family will not change.
There is an exit
There are many recommendations on how to behave women who have experienced physical violence in the family. And much less - what to do for those who are faced with psychological pressure. In many respects, this happens because in each particular case a face-to-face consultation with a psychologist is necessary: after all, for some years someone really suffers humiliation and prohibitions, and someone calls quite reasonable claims of his half as “pressure”. Nevertheless, here are some effective recommendations that can make life easier for the victim.
- Respect your feelings and sensations, listen to yourself - psychological discomfort today can turn into a nervous breakdown or psychosomatic illness tomorrow.
- Try to look at the situation soundly and consciously. If a tyrant blames you, is it really your fault? What is the tyrant’s responsibility? Is it what he accuses you of?
- Do not think that the behavior of a tyrant in itself will come to naught. During his outbursts of anger, try to stay calm and do not feed him with your emotions. When he calms down, try to talk to him: tell us that you do not consider the charges justified, that his behavior is unacceptable to you.
- More often tell yourself about who you are, what positive qualities you have, what happy moments have been and are in your life, remind yourself of your achievements. A tyrant tends to mercilessly discount a victim. Remember more often that you are a person who deserves respect for yourself.
- Strictly suppress tyranny attempts against your children. They also deserve respect and should not feel flawed at all, no matter how much the tyrant wants to portray them like that.
- Whenever possible, try to avoid or minimize physical and material dependence on the rapist.
- In case of prolonged psychological pressure, take him seriously and seek help if you are unable to change the situation yourself.
- Gambling is an analogue of addiction, a kind of malicious hobby, excessive.
- Mania of greatness is a type of behavior or self-identity of an individual, expressed in the region.
- Pursuit mania is a mental dysfunction that may also be referred to as.
Moral violence in the family - This is an effective psychological impact to establish power over your partner. For strangers, it is often intangible and invisible. Moral violence causes the same harm as physical violence and, often, it is accompanied by threats of intimate or physical violence. Throughout life, people maintain various relationships with others. There is a certain type of destructive (destructive) relationship in which an individual falls after meeting a person (psychopath, emotional vampire, perverse narcissist) and becomes a victim of moral violence. Any person can become such a victim.
Moral violence of women is an international phenomenon that is present in all families, regardless of financial situation. Psychologists divide domestic violence into moral (psychological), intimate and physical. At the beginning of a relationship, latent moral violence often arises and at some point it develops into coercion in intimacy or physical violence.
The reason for moral violence in a woman’s family lies in psychological weakness or a violation of the psyche of a man, his lowered self-esteem, inability to keep a partner with literate verbal influence, in the absence of male confidence in the value of the union, in the desire for power. The partner achieves this power by methods of psychological pressure, because he is afraid that he will not succeed differently. Often, such pressure is carried out in the following ways: the husband restricts his wife's rights, establishes his own order, makes unreasonable claims, and sets up social terror. This is when a partner or spouse isolates the victim from communicating with her relatives, acquaintances, friends, prohibits working outside the home, and threatens to harm her beloved people or things if she disobeys.
This type of violence is often accompanied by economic constraints. This is especially evident in marriages with foreign wives, who are least protected economically, therefore it is easier to manipulate them. It affects the woman’s ignorance of legislation, language, as well as the psychological shock that occurs after falling into a new cultural environment. This category of violence includes any actions of a partner or husband aimed at the economic restriction of a woman’s independence. If the wife is engaged in housework, then the man tries to control strictly the spending of the family budget, and sometimes even refuses to allocate funds for her personal needs.
Signs of moral abuse
The purpose of the rapist is to reduce the self-esteem of a woman, to belittle her dignity, to make her lose her self-esteem. Often this is achieved with the help of neglect, insults, rudeness, various reproaches, foul language, threats, intimidation, active interference in personal life. The scoffing person often controls acquaintances, reads personal correspondence and e-mail, asks “innocent” questions “where were you and with whom?”, Which is already a form of psycho-emotional terror.
Moral mockery of a woman includes the following symptoms:
- surveillance using technical means and constant monitoring, including recording and using the telephone, checking text messages and call logger, using spyware to read e-mail, and also secretly installing video cameras in the house,
- by the mocking person of the threat to kill himself, children, women, relatives of the woman, including a detailed description of how he will do it,
- destruction of property, including their clothes, car, furniture, home,
- the treatment of the mocking person using derogatory words, for example, calling the partner "bitch" or "it",
- the scoffing person leaves the partner in a hopeless situation: picks up the keys to the car, empties the gas tank in the car, breaks or steals the phone so that the woman does not ask for help,
- a woman is never allowed to remain alone with herself, she is followed from room to room, accompanied at all events.
Moral violence in families has a gradual development.
In the first phase, the man becomes tense and irritable. In the relationship, daily criticism is noted, the number of insults and psychological pressure are growing. A husband’s fury can be triggered by anything, for example, the amount spent on shopping or mess in the house.
In the second phase, the voltage rises even more. The wife tries to argue and defend herself, which causes even more irritation in response. A man can push his wife against the wall, toss to the floor, hit. Men in such cases believe that they teach "naughty" wives in this way.
In the third phase, the husband apologizes, promises to "improve", can give his wife gifts. This allows the woman to forgive and think that the relationship can still be fixed.
For some time, the husband behaves in a completely different way and the woman thinks that the problem was solved by itself, and this behavior of the spouse was episodic. But, everything repeats itself after a while with a new outbreak of moral violence, rudeness and refined cruelty. The behavior of the rapist is explained by the fact that he acts according to the “vicious circle” scenario and, by his actions, plays out on the victim for the period when he was forced to ask her for forgiveness and humiliate her.
So, if the husband constantly insults, and the atmosphere of screaming and swearing leads the woman to lower self-esteem, to difficult feelings, stress or depression, then this is moral violence in the family.
Psychologists have shown that latent moral violence or psychological bullying is no less dangerous than physical violence. If a person is beaten, then it immediately becomes noticeable, but if he is morally systematically humiliated, then in most cases it is practically impossible to prove. Often, even the victim is not able to understand what is really happening. The rapist often gets high because of his aggression, and often does not realize that he hurts his close circle.
Psychological violence in the family can take polite forms, but from this it is no less painful. For example, insults expressed in a calm voice sometimes hurt even more, because offensive words against a woman cannot be explained by the fact that the man lost his temper because of emotions. A certain form of hidden moral violence is the emphasized silence of the spouse, and his apparent unwillingness to communicate. It should be noted that moral humiliation is practiced more often in families with a high level of education. In such families, in view of the fact that the assault is not accepted, they prefer to humiliate with a word. From here appear wives and husbands suffering from low self-esteem. Husbands in such families often acquire a whole bunch of chronic diseases or abuse alcohol, and wives turn into “slaughtered”, afraid to say anything against their spouses. From this, various diseases arise - strokes, heart attacks, as well as suicidal attempts, which in no way are associated with moral violence in the family, since no one causes physical suffering to anyone.
Children suffer no less from moral violence in the family, and it is much more difficult for them, since the fragile children's psyche is very much influenced by adults. Children sincerely believe in what their parents are saying. And if a child is constantly told that he does not shine with beauty, stupid or worse than everyone, then the small person begins to believe in it, and as a result, over time, numerous complexes appear, self-doubt and the belief that nobody is worse than him. Thus, latent moral violence is committed by parents against their children and the law is powerless in such situations, since it is impossible to punish a moral rapist due to the lack of obvious signs of violence and it is impossible to hold him accountable for offensive words and a stinging tone that injure no less than assault .
Moral violence in the family is in any case a consequence of psychological deviations, and the aggressor himself quite often understands this. Therefore, psychological assistance is necessary not only for those who have suffered violence, but also for those who commit it. It happens that the aggressor is aware and critical of his behavior, but can not do anything with himself. He understands that he is behaving badly and after flashes of aggression he is filled with a feeling of remorse. Therefore, psychologists also help such people. They recommend that aggressors temporarily live separately from their families. Often after this, acts of moral violence cease. In severe cases, psychologists recommend a divorce, because it is better to leave than regularly endure psychological humiliation. After all, the family is a place of rest and peace of mind, and not a battlefield where spiritual, non-healing wounds are inflicted.
What to do if there is moral violence in the family? Unfortunately, this is a common phenomenon and women who do not know how to behave properly in such situations often turn to psychologists for this problem.
The advice of psychologists on this subject is as follows. A woman needs to ask herself questions and honestly answer them:
- whether she is in danger of violence,
- Does the partner often shout, swear, call names in rude, swear words,
- does it humiliate abilities, like lovers, mothers, female workers,
- makes jokes about female habits and shortcomings,
- does not pay attention to the feelings of a woman,
- inflicts insults aimed at women’s vulnerabilities, hoping to deliver as
more pain possible
- requires constant attention and is jealous of children,
- degrades in the presence of others and family members,
- blames the partner for her own failures and problems,
- threatens retaliation and physical harm,
- tells the woman about her love affairs,
- tells the woman that she would be lost without him,
- accuses the partner of aggression if she tries to defend herself,
- threatens violence against children or the fact that they will take them away from her,
- casts doubt on the feeling of reality,
- destroys the sense of female self-esteem.
If there is an affirmative answer to at least one question, then most likely the woman is subjected to ill-treatment and there is a high probability that she will continue to be subjected to moral violence, which eventually develops into physical.
Moral violence in a woman’s family, what to do? The longer a woman stays in such relationships, the less is her chance to get out of them unharmed and whole. As a rule, nothing can save such a relationship, and the only way out of this situation is divorce.
There are traditions of family culture not to endure quarrels from the hut, not to tell others that they are not comfortable with a husband, because women are often not ready to lose their family and earner, they fear condemnation and misunderstanding of society, they are afraid of loneliness, economic and social insecurity. For this reason, the family is being criminalized, a lifestyle is emerging in which moral violence is becoming the norm and transmitted from one generation to the next. A woman should know that no culture or religion justifies moral violence.
How to get rid of moral abuse of a husband? If a woman has or believes that she has a relationship that is accompanied by psychological bullying, filled with horror and fear from her lover, husband or partner, then she can call Women’s Aid toll-free, nationwide help desk and get the necessary information and support. You can visit a family psychologist who will help a woman realize that she has the right to feel safe in her own house and always count on the part of the person with whom she lives on a respectful relationship. The psychologist will not judge or indicate what a woman should do. He will keep confidential all information received, will not tell anyone that a woman has turned to him for help. The psychologist will discuss the options available for the woman to solve the problem, draw up a plan to ensure safety. It will help to rebuild the woman’s life after she was subjected to psychological bullying. This will not happen in an instant, but every day it will become a reality and the psychologist will provide support along this path.
More articles on this topic: