I do not want to live with my husband: what to do? Psychologist's advice on what is wiser to do

Dear psychologists, I am looking for a specialist who would help somehow find internal resources for making a decision.

The situation is as follows: my husband systematically cheats on me for 4 years of marriage (correspondence on dating sites and generally everywhere - by phone, somewhere else, is constantly looking for adventure). Usually this is just correspondence, but a couple of times it came to meetings. A year ago, cheated on me physically.

The family has two small children (the first child is welcome, the second is not, weather).

The husband loves children, tries to spend time with them, pampers.

We have tense relations with each other. I work at home (there is a catastrophic lack of money - my husband went into debt, which now I don’t know how much to pay.) At the same time I am sitting with the children. She waved a hand at herself completely - became a recluse. I don’t go anywhere, I rarely communicate with friends, and when I spoiled myself with purchases for the last time, I already forgot. Forever with the thought "you can’t, you have debts."

My husband has a lot of complaints about me: I’m a bad housewife, I don’t want to do anything around the house (I won’t deny it, I’m really too lazy to do this - I’ll give a mop and wash the tights for the children. The atmosphere is oppressive. Do not throw yourself in slippers, I really can’t just find I have the strength to do this.).

There is no sex - I do not want. Something hurts me (my back, like a woman, my head and something else, sometimes it hurts, I just don’t want to - most often).

Yesterday, once again I got into my husband’s phone and found there photos of a naked woman that were sent via a messenger (the husband deleted the correspondence, and probably forgot to delete the photo).

I realized that nothing will change. I want to decide on the separation once and for all. Help me find an internal resource, please!

The root of the problem

If a woman catches herself with thoughts like “I don’t want to live with my husband anymore”, then her primary task should be to find the root of the problem. Psychologists say that until the woman herself understands her feelings, emotions and mood, she can neither continue her life in marriage with her husband, nor completely break off a bored relationship. Therefore, it is really important to find out what is the origin of such thoughts. Having understood the meaning of his negative attitude towards the man, the spouse will be able to determine for herself the range of her further actions and subsequently evaluate how objectively she relates to what happened: is there any way to rectify the situation, or the problem cannot be resolved.

What could be the sources of the problematic issue? And what are the prerequisites for the aspects of marriage, due to which the wife wants to live separately from her husband?

The husband is no longer sweet: why is this happening?

Unfortunately, in conjugal life there are many pitfalls, which many do not even know when they just get married. All men are different, and each of them has its own significant shortcomings. Your husband is clearly not an angel, since you are thinking of running away from him. You can carry this idea for years or suddenly wake up one fine morning and understand: I do not want to live with this man. In any case, there are good reasons. And which ones, we will now consider:

  1. Stress and overwork. Frequent squabbles with her husband, lack of sleep, problems at work, repairs in the apartment - all this can provoke rejection from the spouse. Each of his words will be annoying, and the flaws will seem to be hypertrophied. Many women make their husband a scapegoat and saw him for any reason, after years of marriage. As a result, it turns out that family life is associated with problems with him, and everything seemed to be much better before marriage than now. What is it - harsh reality or unjustified infantile fantasies about living together? Only you know the answer.
  2. Lack of help from her husband. How unpleasant it is when the husband is lying on the couch and watching TV, and you rush around like mad with a broom in your hands and a frying pan in your teeth. And when the children appear, the lazy husband clearly manifests itself in all its glory. After all, he gets tired at work, that you do nothing, sitting at home with the child. This behavior of the spouse very offends the wife. Helping a man at home undoubtedly makes a woman much happier. The absence of it can cause thoughts of divorce. A woman simply burns out: there is not enough time for herself, and even more so for love for her husband.
  3. Tyranny in the family. The husband, of course, should be the head of the family, but not a despot. If you are constantly monitored, criticized for any minor reason, humiliated or even beaten, it is not surprising that you do not want to live with this person. There is no love in such a relationship - this is a story about a tyrant and his victim. Unfortunately, many males consider this behavior to be the norm. But in fact, tyranny is generated by self-doubt and the need to assert oneself at the expense of a weaker person, that is, a woman.
  4. Sexual dissatisfaction. A healthy young woman can not do without quality sex for a long time. If your spouse is not an expert in bed, and you crave African passions, sooner or later the thought of parting with him will creep into your head. The insidious libido whispers in her ear: "Drop it, you will find yourself a tireless macho!" Another question: what did you do to make the situation change? Maybe your husband needs to hint about the problem and teach him the wisdom of love?
  5. Having a lover. Female temperament sometimes transcends all boundaries. Some especially loving ladies make lovers in search of new sensations. Other women (their minority) really fall in love with a man on the side, and the legal spouse remains out of work. In any case, the presence of a lover means that the husband is tired, and life with him is not so cloudless. Only somehow it is dishonest to commit adultery behind the spouse's back.

These are the reasons that make you want to run away from a man, despite everything that was between you. The situation is not easy, and you are probably reading our article right now under the annoying snuff of your husband, dreaming of leaving and not returning. Do not rush things, because in any case you need to make an informed choice and draw up a clear plan of action, which we will help.

Ordinary relationship

One of the most common causes of family breaks is a boring monotony. A woman, being by her natural nature quite susceptible, suspicious and sensitive, is quite painful in taking situations in which the meaning of her life is lost. When the relationship has long gone through the phase of the candy-bouquet period, romantic dates, passionate impulses and crazy deeds, the atmosphere in marriage undergoes inevitable changes: over time, the severity of feelings dulls, the euphoria of falling in love disappears, and the gray everyday life of a married couple is darkened by everyday problems, domestic troubles, all kinds of troubles. At the same time, the relationship between the spouses can be sharply limited: against the background of domestic misunderstandings, misunderstandings, quarrels, and sometimes even aggression arise. When a couple cannot conceive a child or, conversely, a woman has had postpartum depression, the situation is exacerbated.

All this easily explains the condition in which she is constantly stressed, being on the verge of collapse. Often, in view of such an energy imbalance, a married lady comes up with an idea like “Tired of a husband! I want to live alone. ” With or without a child, the totality of piled up worries at such moments leads to the fact that the unhappy woman despairs. It seems to her that living without a spouse would be easier, calmer. Psychologists are convinced that these kinds of thoughts are temporary, they must pass. Therefore, do not get upset and put your most radical intentions into action. You can try to ignore everyday clutter, do yourself, visit a beauty salon or undergo spa treatments. Experts recommend redirecting all excess negative energy to a positive channel and implement it in work on your favorite business or hobby. Having a hobby, the lady simply will not have time to be sad and think about divorce without good reason.

What if the legs themselves carry you away from the family?

Do not wait for your negative feelings to pass away. The situation may worsen, and solving it will be much more difficult. But do not chop off your shoulder, otherwise you will regret the impulsive decision. Allow yourself time to think, weigh the pros and cons, and only then begin to do something. So what to do if the words “I do not want to live with my husband” are more than relevant for you:

  1. Make your final choice. Many women have suffered for years from being disobedient to their husband and family life. This behavior makes both spouses miserable. Stop tormenting yourself and your man, because he also probably feels the wrong. If you want to maintain a relationship, try to identify the reason for the hostility to your husband and correct the situation. And if you want to leave, get ready for it and act.
  2. Get ready to leave. Independent life will help you get rid of the oppressive longing and unloved man. But in parallel it will bring many problems, for example, the lack of finance and housing. You must realize the negative consequences of your departure and prepare for them: collect money, necessary things, find housing for the first time and think about where to identify the children. Do not rely on the miracle and help of your husband. After the news of the breakup, he is unlikely to want to have any business with you, much less to help in anything.
  3. Tell your husband about your decision. Choose a convenient moment and admit to your spouse that you want to leave him. It’s best to do this on a day off so that you both are rested and able to focus on the conversation. If your spouse often shows aggression, announce to him your decision after leaving: call or leave a note. Protect yourself from his unpredictable reaction.
  4. Listen only to yourself. Think about what you expect from this life and why you need to leave your husband. Subsequently, rely only on your thoughts and arguments. Your husband and relatives may start to persuade you to change your mind. You should not succumb to their persuasion, but make the right independent choice, so you don’t regret it later.

You have learned what to do if your husband is fed up and you have definitely decided to leave him. However, the decision to divorce is not always the only right one. Maybe you are just tired of each other, and your relationship needs a reboot? Consider this scenario.

Fading feelings

It also happens that such phrases as, for example, “I don’t want to live with my husband!”, “What should I do if my feelings are gone?”, Fly off the lips of the representatives of the fair half quite suddenly. A married lady suddenly clearly realizes that the wrong person is next to her. Psychologists regard these women's thoughts in the context of two areas:

  • A temporary misconception based on the irrationality of thinking due to a combination of predetermining circumstances means a state in which a married girl, by virtue of her general depressive state or apathy, thinks that she no longer loves her husband. However, these judgments are often erroneous: as soon as a man leaves, all feelings will be renewed and, with renewed vigor and zeal, will put everything in its original place.
  • The fact of lack of feelings was ascertained and accepted - psychologists suggest that in this part of the cases of love and affection, the girl never felt for her potential husband, but only satisfied her eagerness to get married, the desire to prove something to someone or simply show her ambitiousness.

By themselves, feelings simply, for no reason, cannot leave. This must necessarily be preceded by some act on the part of a man or a new hobby of a woman.

What if you are not ready for a divorce?

Not always cooled feelings for the spouse should push the woman to divorce. If a man is kind, sympathetic and loving, but suddenly began to cause you disgust, your marriage may be in crisis. Remember all the good things that were between you, and try to restore your old feelings. What to do if the husband is tired, but you are not ready to leave him? Try the following:

  1. Take a break from each other. The constant joint pastime negatively affects the relationship. If you do not want to live with your husband anymore, you can break up, but not forever. Take a vacation separately, spend the night a couple of days with a friend and arrange a bachelorette party, ask for work on a business trip. There is a high probability that in separation you will feel how much you miss your spouse. Such a reboot is useful to all pairs from time to time. In addition, you will have time to make a balanced and independent decision regarding relations with your husband.
  2. Take care of yourself: give yourself pleasant emotions. It is important for any woman to have free time for herself beloved. If you haven’t gone shopping, to beauty salons for a long time, haven’t watched your favorite series, then it’s time to finally give up all your household chores and indulge in more enjoyable activities. It is possible that due to constant employment, you are in tension and throw out the negative on your own husband, without noticing it. Many tired women after a rest look at their spouse with a completely different look.
  3. Talk with your spouse and try to fix family problems together. The husband may not even realize that some of his actions annoy you. It is difficult for men to understand women, therefore it is better to explain to them all the problems that arise in the family thoroughly. Talk to your other half and decide what to do together. If the spouse loves you, then he will try to fix everything and improve relations. You will be surprised, but men also know how to adapt and show their best qualities, if they have a serious incentive.
  4. Contact your family psychologist. You can’t always explain exactly why you don’t want to live with your husband. Everything seems to be fine, but a chill was gaining momentum. A family psychologist will help to understand the situation. Just a few consultations, and you can understand what creates tension between you and your spouse. Also learn the many useful tricks of family life and realize that divorce is the most extreme measure that can be avoided.

Use these methods or look for new, effective ones for your couple. You always have time to get a divorce, but finding a new man who knows you like the back of his hand, understands and loves is much more difficult.

Falling in love with another man

In the case when a woman is fond of someone on the side and pronounces phrases like “I don’t want to live with my husband anymore”, civil marriage or lawful marriage, most likely, will come to an end. Often today you can observe situations when men leave their wives, from their children, from their family. Many men live on two fronts: they love family, but they seek joy in the bed of another woman. A different trend is seen in the behavior of the fairer sex: if a woman fell in love with another, she is likely to leave her spouse without hesitation. In such cases, you do not need to turn to a psychologist either - a girl in love, inspired by a new wave of feelings and fresh sensations, will not stand on ceremony for long. And in vain: often, not understanding their feelings to the end, women subsequently regret their deeds. Passing hobbies by other men can turn into just a temporary whim, which I wanted to satisfy, and no more. Meanwhile, the marriage is already destroyed.

Conclusion

Do not despair if you suddenly realized that you do not want to live with your husband.Relationship crises happen in each pair, and it’s important for you to figure out whether this is the ending of your novel or temporary love difficulties.

If you clearly realized that a negative attitude towards your spouse is a result of irreconcilable differences, do not be afraid to get divorced. It is better to break off a destructive relationship once and for all and find peace than to suffer the rest of your life.

When reluctance to live with a husband is caused by family problems that can be resolved, act by connecting your spouse. You can make peace in the family if you make mutual efforts. I wish you happiness in your personal life!

Spouse disrespect

Sometimes the reason why a wife does not want to live with her husband is asocial behavior of the husband. Is it necessary to talk about how the average man in Russia spends time today? Lack of regular work, regular consumption of alcoholic beverages, mental and physical degradation up to assault and domestic violence - all this leaves no chance for a woman to have a normal life together with him. Even if a man has been repeatedly coded or underwent treatment for alcohol dependence, this rarely changes the case radically. And even if you manage to return a person to a sober lifestyle, this does not exclude his state of bitterness and unwillingness to work. Sooner or later, relapse occurs. It is not surprising that, in view of the above circumstances, thoughts like “Better I am left alone with a child, without a husband, appear in the head of the wife of such a man. I don’t want to live with a former alcoholic! ”In addition, as they say now, there are no former alcoholics (like drug addicts).

When a representative of the weaker sex turns to psychologists with similar problems, complaining that her husband humiliates her, insults her, leads an asocial lifestyle as a whole, all experts are of the same opinion: one should leave such a man. And this radical measure is not subject to refutation. Married girls often want to think that the spouse will change, that will still change for the better. Sometimes they are simply afraid to stay alone with the children in the hands of the harsh realities of life, where material support as assistance from the state does not cover all the expenses and needs that arise during the upbringing of children. Being hostages of financial insolvency, women continue to suffer attacks, aggression and disrespect from the side of the spouse, and one thought revolves around: “How tired I am that my husband drinks ... I do not want to live with a tyrant!”

Financial crisis

Often the cause of the potential gap may be financial problems in the family. The well-known phrase "Money is not happiness, but in their quantity" is perfectly applicable to this case. Statistics confirm: most family conflicts arise on the basis of three main factors - adultery, male alcoholism and financial insolvency of married citizens. On the basis of the financial crisis, misunderstanding between spouses arises and develops from small quarrels to global scandals. This is especially true at the present time, when women have become even more demanding of the male gender. Modern feminism works against men, women say something like this: “I don’t want and cannot live with my husband, who is unable to provide for me and my children.” And we must give them their due - the man has long been considered the earner in the family, while the female inheritance is to keep the family hearth. Today the situation looms opposite. Today, the weaker sex deserves to be called strong, because many women raise two, three, or even more children alone, while working on several jobs at the same time.

Psychologists in this aspect offer women to take an incentive and expectant line of behavior. After all, you cannot cut the knot in the bud just because a man has temporary difficulties at work. But if these difficulties drag on for a long time, and the young man has no desire to change the situation, then it is worth pushing him to this, helping to find a way out of the situation. If these methods do not give any results, the way to solve the problem becomes obvious.

Cheating husband

A separate place in the list of reasons for divorce is devoted to the topic of infidelity. A lot of different discussions and conversations can be held on this subject. Situations are different: so to speak, infidelity by negligence or deliberate meanness, with or without aggravating circumstances, a single or multiple betrayal - there can be a lot of betrayal options. The result is one - in this case, the wife suffers the most. Does not want to live with a husband who is unfaithful, not a single self-respecting woman. But what if the young man repents? What if wonderful children were born in a marriage, and without a father they could not grow up? How to behave, in the end, with a person whom you no longer trust?

Again, it all depends on how the woman perceives the current situation. If she is ready to forgive and tolerate a possible repeat of adultery - you can not get divorced. If what happened is gnawing at her and she cannot let go of the situation with all her efforts, one can think of a possible less radical way out of the situation. In any case, this delicate topic is not even fully regulated by psychologists - here a woman must make an informed choice herself and answer the question on her own: "Do I want to live with a husband who is unfaithful to me?"

Dilemma

One way or another, whatever the reasons for the desire of the representative of the beautiful half to leave their spouse, she always faces a dilemma at such moments: to fight for marriage or start a new life, breaking the union. The choice will have to be made in any case - whether it was a temporary sensual-emotional clouding, or suddenly a desire to return to the former appeared. “I do not want to live with my husband” - this statement of a woman requires a decision, it cannot remain without taking appropriate measures. She will either have to stop entertaining her husband's hopes and file for divorce, or abandon her prejudices and try to establish relations with him.

Fight for marriage

In most such situational incidents of family life, psychologists recommend that you cool down, calm down, take a sober look at things, and make an informed decision. Ardor, excessive excitement and aggression make it impossible to draw objective conclusions. As a result, this leads to rash acts and, as a result, dissolution of the marriage when it is still quite possible to save it. What recommendations do experts follow and what advice do they give to their patients?

  • Search for the stumbling block - we have already said that the main and primary task is to identify the prerequisites for the upcoming divorce. From the clarified reasons, it makes sense to build on and find an adequate way out.
  • An analysis of the circumstances - no matter how complex the trouble may be, no matter how difficult the decision may seem, a woman should sensibly assess her emotional state and draw certain conclusions on the subject of why everything happened this way. Indeed, far from always all the fault lies with the man who committed the same betrayal - this may simply be a consequence of the negligence and indifference of his wife towards him. Needless to say, here the problem lies for the most part not even in the act of adultery, but in the fact that the wife herself, with her own hands, pushed the man to infidelity. Situations, of course, are trivial, but the essence is that you need to consider the problem from different viewing angles - sometimes unforeseen circumstances can be clarified that fundamentally change the essence of the matter.
  • A conversation with a spouse is a prerequisite for finding an objectively correct way out of the current state of things. A constructive dialogue, an extremely calm atmosphere, an even tone and a pragmatic clarification of relations - these are the things that should contribute to the settlement of the conflict between spouses. No expressions, scandals, elevated tones, hysterical attacks and insults in any of the parties should not be. Otherwise, there is no point in seeking a solution to the problem in other ways. Spouses must learn to communicate in order to re-build the tactics of behavior and mutual understanding with each other.
  • The choice - it should be made by both: a woman and a man. The first should be determined on the subject of whether she is ready to continue her family life, despite the thoughts that had once visited her about leaving her spouse. The second must understand whether he is ready to accept the ultimatum requirement from the wife and submit to her will in order to save the marriage. It is no wonder that she will provide him with a dilemma to solve: quit her bad habits (alcohol or another woman) and try to establish already spoiled family relationships or break up and not torment each other with constant negativity and scandals.

New life

If it is difficult for a married girl to accept what happened and to step back from the events in view of which she intended to leave her husband, then the solution is obvious. In the case when it’s useless to fight for relations, you need to learn how to put an end to and start all over from scratch. When family relationships are burdened with feelings of mistrust, betrayal, misunderstanding, dislike, fading of passion, lack of mutual attraction - what is the point of continuing to live together? Even children sometimes can not become a barrier to a woman leaving the family. Therefore, it is not surprising that in this case she wants to live alone, without a husband. Too many negative moments and actions committed today by men cannot be forgotten and forgiven by a woman who sincerely loves once. That’s why the pain and resentment is stronger because the feelings for the spouse were strong.

But you never need to despair and get hung up on what cannot be returned already, and, in fact, it’s not worth it. Life has been given to man so that he lives it, and not "suffers." If you are a young beautiful woman in a divorce, do not dare to give up - find the strength in yourself to move on. Fate does not like weak people, but gives test to strong people. So take advantage of the acquired experience and give yourself the opportunity to live your life differently. In the end, who does not take risks, he does not drink champagne.

I do not want to live with my spouse - reasons

“Our meeting was a mistake?” Who would have thought that a gallant boyfriend and a handsome man would eventually turn into a grumbler and a fat lazy man. It was worth putting a ring on a ring finger, and the fairy tale of the candy-bouquet period suddenly ended. How did it happen that there is no desire to see the faithful day or night? We understand the reasons for spousal cooling.

Stress, overwork

Fatigue from an unhappy marriage has been accumulating for years. The growth of tension in the relationship contribute to:

  1. Problems at work. Appearance to the office at the first request of strict superiors, long-distance business trips, a flurry of urgent assignments - emotional burnout with such a rhythm is inevitable. I want to live for my beloved. Find some outlet in your free time. You hurry home, but everything is according to plan: mountains of unwashed dishes, a capricious child, a helpless husband. Tearing, yelling at him. In vain! Nothing changes. The feeling of a vicious circle, from which it is high time to break out, does not leave for years. She is not ready to leave her prestigious position: a rare opportunity to work in her specialty for decent money. Apparently, you have to get rid of another headache - a husband who has turned into ballast.
  2. Problems at home. The husband does not spare colors, painting in front of you a picture of a brighter future: we will buy a cottage, go to the sea, build a gazebo in the country. Generously feeds promises, starting with the first wedding night. But you are not that young naive bride for whom one kind word is more expensive than a ticket to a fashionable resort. Tired of waiting for a better life. Things are not moving forward. Vacation - in the garden, gazebo - "wait until next year." Still pushing in a dull little couple with the parents of the spouse, who seems to be happy with everything. Dissatisfaction with life and lack of prospects leads to the fact that you find yourself in a deep depression: "I do not want to live with a man who is pulling me to the bottom."

Lack of help from a spouse

“Who is washing the dishes today?” - the question in your house is heard as the voice of one crying in the desert. The faithful long ago recused himself: he does not participate in household chores and educating heirs. Excuses are standard:

  1. “This is not a man’s business!” The husband would like to see in you a diligent universal housewife on the model of his mother. Yes, the mother-in-law is able not only to bake pancakes, to bother with children, but also to nail up nails. Labor and pedagogical exploits are also expected from you. The miner should take care of himself, without spending precious leisure time on cleaning and cooking, attending endless school parental meetings.
  2. "I'm tired!" The path of the spouse from the front door to the sofa takes a matter of seconds. She won’t get up even for dinner. Why bother so when a tray is provided specifically for such cases. Tea in bed is a nightly family ritual. She doesn’t want to hear about any domestic problems. Everything is set aside for an indefinite “later” when there is money, energy, time. Calling a “husband for an hour” is also not a way out: the spouse in the law is categorically against the appearance of extraneous “specialists” in his territory. I’m sure that the “aliens” “have their hands in the wrong place” and “tear at exorbitant prices”. As a result, household chores fall on your fragile shoulders.

Tyranny in the family

A good reason to leave a disgruntled spouse. Tired of listening to eternal reproaches and living in the regime of a family monarchy?

  1. “How dare you talk to me like that!” You have been denied the right to vote. No important decision is made on general advice. Spouse single-handedly manages the family budget, chooses furniture for the living room. Never interested in your opinion. Behaves as if you owe him something. Any objection is interpreted as an attempt to provoke a quarrel and is perceived with hostility.
  2. “Don't try to complain to anyone! You will regret it! ” “You won’t be forcibly sweet” - folk wisdom accurately characterizes your couple’s unhealthy relationships. The spouse is out of control in anger. Tears and mosques. And it hits if you fall under a hot hand. None of those close to you know what is really going on behind the closed doors of your home. Salvation is nowhere to wait. Have to get out of family hell yourself.

Sexual dissatisfaction

Twice a month and no more. And right to the point, no foreplay. In such a strict mode, all desire disappears. Not only to straighten the bed, but also to return home. The spouse is clearly indifferent to how you look. She doesn’t stare at her slender legs and magnificent chest, like colleagues. It's a shame! There is something to see, and it is given at the cost of hard training and strict diets. It's nice, of course, to listen to compliments from strangers. But I would like your life partner to pay attention to you.

Why is there no sexual attraction to her husband?

So why don't you want to sleep with your husband? Let's put aside all constraints and turn to the term itself. What is sex? Upon request, the following definition is most often issued: “a person’s activity with the aim of obtaining a combination of mental and physiological reactions, experiences and actions related to the manifestation and satisfaction of sexual desire or desire to continue the race”.

I want to move away from physiology for now, we will talk about it a little later. Mental reactions. Women are more psycho-emotionally dependent on their partner, many women do not so much need intimacy and final pleasure as they need a sense of unity, a feeling of intimacy and kinship of souls, an understanding of their desires and the need for the life of a beloved man.

Listen to yourself: perhaps the reluctance to go to bed with your spouse is connected with cooling in your human relations? Maybe, yes, initially the passion swept in a wave, you both choked, drowning in happiness and silk underwear, but did not manage to get to know each other? You didn’t manage to become friends, interlocutors, maybe from the very beginning you were just lovers for each other? In this case, the time has now come when you can and even just need to talk to your man, to be with him an unlimited amount of time and not under the covers. I guarantee that you will learn a lot about his addictions, interests, his childhood, some funny moments of his biography. So a person will become even closer, more dear, and perhaps the desire will wake up again. It may not be as soon as we would like, but it's still worth trying to open up to each other.

Communication gives a lot of advantages. Women by nature are gentle creatures, and not everyone can just so easily talk about their feelings and inconveniences in an intimate sense. Even in the Victorian era, women in the conjugal bedroom did not have the right to any movements and emotions. They simply lay for the sake of the pleasure of their men, and the casual question of a woman might well have raised the ordinary question: “Did I hurt you?” What? These are not magic films about love, women really existed like that.

But what prevents a spouse from now addressing a loved one with a question or suggestion? Progress stepped forward. And if there is any discomfort that discourages any attraction to her husband, it is better to voice it. Do not be afraid to offend, a loved one will understand and help solve the problem. Painful sensations, uncomfortable postures, too little or, on the contrary, a long time of the process itself, lack of hygiene (sometimes it happens) - all this must be discussed with a man.

Many women claim that lack of attraction is associated with fatigue. Some experience physical fatigue, when it is impossible to even move a hand, one wants to lie down and merge with the bed. Hard work, life, parenting. And there is absolutely no strength left for the spouse. In this case, you need to ask yourself a day off. And not only at work, but also in the family. To give children to my grandmother, to entrust her husband with cooking and cleaning, I think for one day he will be able to share this burden with you, and just go for a walk, breathe fresh air, meet friends or think alone with yourself, it all depends on temperament. Going to the pool or lying on the couch all day is not important. The main thing is to give yourself the opportunity to rest and relax. It is advisable to arrange such a weekend for yourself more than once a year, when the body is already exhausted to the limit, but at least twice a month. Do not forget to remind yourself: “I am alone. You have to love yourself. ”

Having a lover

Intelligent, young, rich. Generous in declarations of love and gifts for no reason. Ready to help on the first call. The exact opposite of the legal spouse: does not drink - does not hit and does not ask for fishing for the whole weekend. Count the seconds before you meet, not feeling the slightest sense of guilt before your spouse. It serves him right! I did not manage to dilute the gray everyday life of life together in time with romance - I had to look for a replacement.

2 tips were received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: I don’t want to live with my husband anymore

Natalya, hello!
If relations with your husband do not suit you, then you are free to not support them. Your husband will certainly continue to be the father of your child. But this does not mean that you are required to be husband and wife, to be close to each other ..
Why am I writing so categorically? The fact that he insults you, hit (even once), and at the same time does not recognize his guilt, does not feel that it hurts you, does not correct his behavior, but on the contrary blames you for everything - characterizes a typical situation of domestic violence (psychological and physical). And here the main thing you should do is to protect yourself, and then decide to what extent to communicate with this person.
If a person is not able to feel the pain of another, does not take into account the interests of his loved ones, then he is hardly capable of building relationships at all.
You seem to feel quite well when you feel good and when you feel bad. And what you need in order to be happy. Never settle for relationships that don't suit you. It's not worth it.
I wish you success!

Smirnova Irina Fedorovna, psychologist in Minsk or via Skype

Good answer 6 Bad answer 1

Both partners are responsible for the relationship, so I do not rule out that you partially triggered this behavior of your husband by your behavior. In your attitude, your husband does not feel either love, acceptance, or respect. You are guided by grievances inflicted on him in the past, but this, believe me, is not the best advisers. Even if you find yourself a lover, it is unlikely that this happiness will bring you.

The best thing you can do in this situation is to get rid of past grievances and change your attitude towards your husband. Only through such changes can your life change for the better. Do not want to forgive - be honest with him, file for divorce, leave him. But, believe me, this is not the best way out of the situation. There is no guarantee that you will not build such relationships with other men. The most effective will be to work out their grievances with a psychologist. He will help you find ways to build relationships with your husband.

I will be glad to help you in this situation. Good luck to you.

Perfilieva Inna Yuryevna, psychologist in Rostov-on-Don

What if the wife does not want intimacy with her husband?

It is a completely different matter if fatigue develops into a burnout syndrome. When a person feels complete moral exhaustion and no longer wants anything. Much can influence: problems at work, misunderstanding on the part of relatives, cold relations with a beloved man. I know such women who are ready to warm anyone who feels bad with their warmth, but it was the beloved man who, with his indifference, managed to trample this fire of the human soul and turn it to ashes. Such women fall into despondency, depression, apathy. And, of course, there can be no talk of any proximity. In Russia they said: "Call a person 10 times a pig, he grunts." If a woman is always rude, careless about her requests, call her awkwardly, she will eventually become the one that might never have become in the hands of another person - callous and unhappy. Trampled morally, tired and offended woman needs rest. And here it would be nice to go on restoration to vacation, to a sanatorium. Being apart from your husband. Try to miss yourself and give him the opportunity to feel your absence in his life. As a rule, parting for a short time has a good effect on married life, people have the opportunity to think things over, to realize and draw conclusions.

The problem of unwillingness to sleep with your man can also be hidden behind a seemingly simple and common thing, like a regular diet. Diets, as it turned out, significantly reduce libido. In turn, why does a woman resort to this method of improving her appearance? - Complexes. Each woman is beautiful in her own way, and if we were all long-legged blondes with a third bust size, our world would be boring in its uniformity. The tastes of men are also different. Someone loves chubby brunettes, someone is pleased with red-headed laughter, someone dreams at night about a very petite wife ... Do not deprive your spouse of happiness if he chose you as you are, maybe he found something about you dreamed all his life. Do not pursue standards, making yourself worse.

How to return sexual attraction to her husband?

Sometimes a woman does not want her husband because her husband is bored, the uniformity of poses, time and place. The man himself is no longer interested in appearance, he does not want to touch him, sex turns into torture. A woman more often thinks on the topic: "I do not want a husband, I want another man." It happens, but there is a way out. Perhaps for some it will be reckless, but you are already a family with this person, and if earlier sex in a car in the backseat in a park could cause an administrative offense, now it’s a family weekend.

What was your dream at the age of 17-18? Now it is possible. On the roof? Go with your husband to the roof, taking a plaid. Outdoors? Why not? In the pool, in the fitting room? Try, fulfill secret desires. This is your husband, this is a native person, with him you can not be afraid to look stupid. He already accepted you with all your incredible ideas even when he said “yes” to the registry office. Another great alternative can be role-playing games, especially for those women who are bored with the “beer” belly of their spouse or other shortcomings. Tights and a raincoat - your husband Batman, pajamas and slippers - you are a nurse, and he is a patient and so on. Do not be afraid to experiment. If nothing comes of this venture, at least just have fun.

To answer the question: "What if I want another man?" I would like so ... At leisure, think about why the other man? What is in it that attracts you? What did he hook on? Shoulders bigger? Taz appetizing? This is only a shell. I will explain with an example. Now everyone is completely crazy for Robert Pattison or Johnny Depp. But does any of us even know about these meager parts about these men? Not. This is only appearance, pleasant appearance, in which much has been invested: fee, strength, contractual obligations. Hint to your spouse that it is time to go to the gym and go along with him for support. It's simple. It will be your own Brad Pitt. One that loves you, that you know.

Often a woman is worried about the fact that she does not want her husband during pregnancy or after childbirth. You don’t even have to worry here, in both cases there is a restructuring of the hormonal background and lack of attraction, as well as excessive activity on the part of the woman, it is quite normal. During pregnancy, if you do not want intimacy at all, you can always refer to the doctor’s recommendations, a loving spouse and future father will make concessions, and you can relax and wait for this moment of hormonal surge. After childbirth, you will also have time to recover, but if after physiological natural processes that contribute to abstinence, there is no desire, it is best to consult a doctor, gynecologist or endocrinologist. Specialists will find the reasons and will be able to provide competent assistance.

Many psychologists recommend, nevertheless, if it does not go back to the previous attraction to the spouse, have a lover or get a divorce. In order not to torment yourself. Well, the pros will be the first time: new emotions, feelings (and not the fact that it is better than with a spouse), but there will be more minuses. In the case of a lover, this is obvious: living in two houses is difficult, hiding, erasing SMS messages, talking in a whisper in the bathroom to the sound of water, sooner or later, but you will get tired of it. Is it worth it? With a new spouse ... Here someone like. Having lived a certain number of years with one person, getting used to his smell, gastronomic preferences, recognizing every mole, getting used to carefree communication and behavior at home, to adjust again? Flirt, choose expressions, try to please relatives and friends? Are you ready for this? It seems to me that the game is worth the candle only in exceptional cases. I think everyone understands in which. Isn’t it easier to love your spouse again? After all, for some reason you fell in love with him many years ago? You just need to remember what exactly conquered you and stop your attention on these advantages, forgetting for a while about the disadvantages.

In conclusion, I would like to note the following. Z. Freud said many years ago: "We do not choose each other by chance ... We only meet those who already exist in our subconscious." Your spouse has already lived in your head, in your dreams. And yes, intimacy is a very important component of any relationship, but the most important thing is to be half of each other, comrade, friend, family. And then the proximity of souls and the proximity of bodies will bring joy to you and harmony in the house.

Make a choice

With or without a husband? Decide which scenario is more suitable. Do not be afraid: as before, there will be no more. You already made the decision to reboot your life. Do not hide from the wind of change in the shell. You have to leave the comfort zone, change the environment and change yourself to become happier.

Prepare for departure

Running away from home with a toothbrush in your pocket is not the best solution. In a new life you should have:

  1. Livelihood. No way without them. There is no one else to pay bills. Keep in mind that the amount should be decent, because in addition to acquiring the necessary things, you will need to pay for “husband for an hour” services, utility bills and much more.
  2. New housing. So comfortable that after work there would be desirable to return. Preferably at a safe distance from the disgusting spouse and his restless family.

Try to properly prepare the heirs for the coming changes. Convince them that the disputes in your couple will not affect the relationship of fathers and children.

Fortunatova Oksana Vasilievna

Psychologist, Psychosomatologist. Specialist from the site b17.ru

And why don't you talk with your husband and discuss everything with him, tell everything as it is and look for a way out of this situation together

The main thing to think about before breaking everything ... this man may be a good one, but keep in mind that all people change over time, or appear later. believe me, I have 4 marriage)))))). but you decide of course. can still fix it? maybe your husband lacks your warmth or something else? and every family has such difficult periods. think, try to fix everything again, and suddenly you already have your fate)))))

The more you communicate with this young man, the more you will be dragged there and the more you will find reasons to quarrel with your husband. Weigh the pros and cons. I had exactly the same situation. We were also "two halves of one whole" with a young man. And she probably found fault with her husband for the most part on purpose. because it annoyed, because HE was already in the head. And of course there were real reasons why my husband was really annoying. The result is left from her husband to her beloved, why torment 3 people. And I really just like you saw that there are calmer people than my husband. Now happy. My son understands (10 years), he’s used to it for 2 years without a dad, especially “dad” - it was just a name. If you don’t have anything at all with your husband (well, except for the child of course), let him go, do not make yourself and his unhappy. Your child sees everything. and believe me, your quarrels and abuse will affect his psyche. And you have not mentioned yet, does your new acquaintance want you to leave your family for him? Or he has enough communication at a distance.

They are all calm until they get married)))) and then show their true face.

In general, according to scientists, marriage kills happiness.
Here is a link to the article:
http://rbcdaily.ru/lifestyle/562949987970593

As a father, he’s good))) But as a husband, no, for some reason, no. In our family, I solve all problems (both "male" and "female"). It turns out, in principle, he earns money, a salary of 18,000 suits him (I have a pancake, my mother earns more), and there is no desire to earn more, achieve more. We live by the principle-let it be as it is, only without change (only he also likes to spend all sorts of rubbish, and he likes to drink beer). He sits in the evenings on a computer, plays games, but if I forbid God, I will refuse sex, this is a whole scandal. Yes, and drunk when he loves to paraffin me in front of friends, and in front of my mother, too, can (then such three-story mats rod.). And then “I'm sorry,” “I'm sorry,” “was drunk.” Yes, only enrages it already. I DO NOT GO TO leave for a new man, I just want calmness))))) And with a friend we somehow did not discuss my departure or divorce, just talking to another man, involuntarily you begin to understand that there are more calm people.

Oh oh oh! How is it that you are so smart, beautiful, non-conflict, sensitive. managed to voluntarily get married so ??
Previously, my husband was also "nutty"?
Yes? - and it suited you !?
Not? - how did you achieve such a miraculous result? with another, too, so imperceptibly can be done
Myself valerianochki. Or even some weed: mint, lemon balm, sedasen, novopassit, hawthorn, chamomile. Every day, a month.
He takes care of his husband's health: they do not become nervous out of the blue! Maybe he has an ulcer

He sits in the evenings on a computer, plays games, but if I forbid God, I will refuse sex, this is a whole scandal. Yes, and drunk when he loves to paraffin me in front of friends, and in front of my mother, too, can (then such three-story mats rod.). And then “I'm sorry,” “I'm sorry,” “was drunk.” Yes, only enrages it already.

I DO NOT GO TO leave for a new man, I just want QUIETNESS)))))

it will be difficult for one to raise a child, and if a husband cannot find himself after a divorce, he will sniff. I have such a perspective in the future - maybe you will have such a perspective. Think maybe it’s worth trying to save the marriage!

And constant quarrels will have a good effect on the psyche of the child?

I am also thinking of a divorce, but I continue to endure. Computer games, a small sn, this is familiar to me. But here I read about your situation and, it seems, the answer is obvious. Life is one and you can’t spend it on scandals, happy children from happy parents, especially if you don’t want to live already

Listen to this woman, no one will explain and help you better. At one time, her lectures saved my marriage. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2dq6pJimas

I am also thinking of a divorce, but I continue to endure. Computer games, a small sn, this is familiar to me. But here I read about your situation and, it seems, the answer is obvious. Life is one and you can’t spend it on scandals, happy children from happy parents, especially if you don’t want to live already

if you say you don’t want to live like this, get divorced, but remember, millions of our mothers and fathers lived like this while maintaining their families! Of course, now you can not stand another time! and try to save! it's also difficult)))) it's harder than getting a divorce!

family life is work, and moreover, every day, and all, children, husband and wife should participate in this. we are just girls, women, wives, we read a lot of love novels, we watch films, but in life not everything is so beautiful and even more so smooth, only in films the husband can go and buy a huge armful of roses, order tickets for vacation somewhere, but in of life you always think really, why spend a lot of money on something, when you need to dress and feed children and buy something else yourself, to be honest, my husband has long been indignant at movies, as if everyone earns them well at least 100 TR, but in life everything is much worse, prices, instability and the same stock reality))))))))))))) we have been living with my husband for 10 years, got married early (and didn’t go out of love, but because of great love) at 19 years old and I have two children one to 8 years old 2.2 years, I won’t say that everything is going smoothly with us, no, it doesn’t happen, but I always try to somehow survive conflicts and rewind looking for pluses, but at the beginning of my life, many of my dreams and myths were broken, and all the blame for fucking love stories , but I never regretted that I got married so early, if I were not married now, I probably wouldn’t get married at all, because I began to look at men with real eyes I’m not wearing pink glasses, and men are getting smaller over the years, appreciate family happiness, but don’t give fun to yourself, life is one, and don’t waste it in the toilet, children will grow up and understand, but remember they will grow up and find themselves half, and you will live and endure everything that you don’t like, you want a divorce, go and get a divorce, no, that means you have to look for a reason in both

tell me what to do in love, got married and he turned out to be an egoist, he doesn’t care about me, he thinks only of himself about me, I turned into a hysteric and we’ve been married for only 2 years

Tell me how to be. With me, the farther, the worse. At first everything was fine, until I, on maternity leave, told him that I needed money. It all started with this, offenses at first, then I went to work early, because I couldn’t live and couldn’t continue to live on the usual way of life. When you have two children you need to think. And while he started to drink during the shift, I was hoping that at least she would help me around the house, at least look after the children. Then I studied in absentia and switched to a new job, and he remained at home, but sometimes he began to earn extra money and began to poke that now he makes money in our family. But this was the reason that now I can raise my voice. It became more further. Now that the children have become independent, he offends me at every opportunity. On the phone he constantly yells with mats, not when he doesn’t ask again, maybe I'm not alone, but maybe the clients are nearby. Although they are always nearby mostly always. Now when I earn 3 times more than him, I don’t want to endure it, this is rudeness. Divorce does not, and the judge believes that he will improve for the sake of children. Tired already.

Tell me how to be. With me, the farther, the worse. At first everything was fine, until I, on maternity leave, told him that I needed money. It all started with this, offenses at first, then I went to work early, because I couldn’t live and couldn’t continue to live on the usual way of life. When you have two children you need to think. And while he started to drink during the shift, I was hoping that at least she would help me around the house, at least look after the children. Then I studied in absentia and switched to a new job, and he remained at home, but sometimes he began to earn extra money and began to poke that now he makes money in our family. But this was the reason that now I can raise my voice. It became more further. Now that the children have become independent, he offends me at every opportunity. On the phone he constantly yells with mats, not when he doesn’t ask again, maybe I'm not alone, but maybe the clients are nearby. Although they are always nearby mostly always. Now when I earn 3 times more than him, I don’t want to endure it, this is rudeness. Divorce does not, and the judge believes that he will improve for the sake of children. Tired already.

My husband and I lived together for 4 years and drank and walked until the morning and cheated, and there were beatings, I left him half a year later, he wants to converge, he said that we are changing for 2 months and stayed the same as I was when I see him, I start to remember all his betrayals I already have a disgust for him, by the way

Hello! I have such a problem right now. I do not know what to do. Children are small: to the daughter-1,5, to the son-5 months. I am completely alone with the children. Once a week I go to work, on this day my mother sits. If you need to go to the clinic or somewhere else, then my mother also comes. The husband is not involved at all. He only drinks in the evenings and that’s it. I'm tired. Recently, my mother-in-law was offended because I asked her not to share my children, I just started to notice it and she says that in spite of the fact that the second child was born, you need to love your daughter, because she was in intensive care. A healthy son was born, he will survive, in the end, that the son fell from the changing table and now we have a vision problem, the doctor said that it is likely to stay blind. The husband does not help at all. I’ve been living in oppression all day, I told him that I’m tired of living like that, that he doesn’t help me. He said that the children will grow up and he will leave. I cry at night, endure, I freak out. The husband leaves during the day, then he comes to eat and leaves again, he comes only drunk at night.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 4 years, the child is 3 years old, also nutty, although when I haven’t met, I didn’t drink, you can say I ran after me, as soon as I became pregnant I began to yell for every occasion, drink every weekend, cried at first , then cursed, then scored at him. I don’t work yet. I constantly have to beg for money for food, for clothes, for me, for the child. I always have no money, it only gives something, and he needs to be told what , and also to hear that I spend money on any *****. and I always carry all nonsense. I am very tired of living like that. All hope is that when I go to work at least something will change, at least I will feel more independent. And he says that I’m not independent, that he has to do everything himself, although we always do everything together, because he carries me by car, if I myself drove behind the wheel, ***** I wouldn’t need him in affairs. Constantly trying to humiliate me morally, and to put myself higher, EVERYTHING. I myself do not smoke or drink, and I got his booze every weekend already, I talked with him more than once on all these topics, I say that I am not happy, as a result, I listen to all the claims against me in a raised tone and that’s all. Honestly, I do not want to live with him, but I'm afraid of a divorce. And I'm afraid that it will be hard and that I will not find anyone, although friends say that some guys are waiting for me when I become free. And a lot of debts, mortgages and loans, my husband took on work. In general, I don’t know, everything seems to be not critical, but everything is not right anymore, love has left because of its constant rudeness, and because of all of the above. And I know that he will not change! He says that he loves me, but I don’t feel and don’t see it. I. I understand that if I had a worthy person to whom I could leave, I would leave. In theory. But while I don’t let anyone near me, even to communicate simply, I stop everything right away. Tell me, who is thinking about my situation?

Tell your life partner about your decision

You can do this in different ways:

  1. Leave in English. Tortured, mocked? The time has come for reckoning. One day he will return to an empty apartment, and the boomerang will return to him the pain of loss of family warmth. Leave a concise note: “Gone. I'm tired Goodbye". Not more. Pure formality, so as not to ring the hospitals and morgues. No long farewells. Did not deserve.
  2. Go away, slamming the door. The best option for those who have "accumulated" and "sore" for many years of marriage. To pour out the soul? Why not? Explain the motives of your action. Talk heart to heart. Now you can afford it.

Do not succumb to persuasion

You have your own head on your shoulders. Remember this and:

  1. Do not listen to your spouse. He is ready to "start all over again" and "become the best of husbands." Do not fall for the promises of the golden mountains. This is a defensive reaction: to hold in any way, if only the habitual way of life does not break.
  2. Do not call mom. “Where will you find the second one?” - the parent is clearly not happy with your decision. What could be worse than a divorced daughter over 30? Togo look at parents’s neck.
  3. Do not open the door of the mother-in-law. Good advice from this lady can not wait. She is on the other side of the barricade. Until the end he will fight for the peace of his son, the reputation of a respectable family. “In our years, wives tolerated, were silent, did not bother anyone” - a familiar song. There will be no other. Do not waste time on long gatherings in the kitchen with a person who is deeply unsympathetic to you.

I don’t want to live with my spouse and I’m not ready to divorce

Flying out of the family nest is scary. Especially if you spent the best years of your life there. Maybe give a soulmate another chance? Try it:

  1. Click on the pause in the relationship. Everything is relative. Sure loneliness will benefit you? Check it out. Just keep in mind that the weekend spent with mom is not enough to be alone with herself and make a vital decision. Great risk that you find yourself on an emotional swing. You will rush between your husband and lover, a common house and a temporary haven, as distance allows and thoughts get confused. A month or two is another matter. You will be able to pull yourself together and be fully aware of the consequences of your actions.
  2. Visit the psychologist’s office. Do not forget to bring your spouse. Do not expect that “in due course everything will be forgotten”, “will settle down”, “shallow”. Do not tempt fate. Sick relationships need to be treated with special means. A family therapy course will help your marriage find a second wind.